8 Easy Tips for Talking to Your Teen

My oldest daughter recently turned 13, so I am a total newbie to parenting a teen. However, since I am a high school counselor, I do know a thing or two about talking to teens. If you are having trouble getting your teen to talk to you, you are not alone. Many parents report their teens only talk to them when they need soemthing.  The problem with this is that teenagers still need their parents’ guidance.  If teens don’t feel comfortable talking to their parents about little things, they likely won’t talk to them when something big happens. Talking to your teenager on a daily basis will make them more likely to talk to you when something serious arises. Here are some strategies you can use to engage your teen in daily conversation. 

1. Ask the right questions. If your way of starting a conversation with your teen is by asking, “How was your day?”, you are likely getting the same answer everyday. Your response will probably be one word and the conversation is over. Asking them different questions every day is important to keep the conversations fresh. Also, always try to ask open ended questions, or questions that don’t end in a yes or no answer. Some good open-ended questions are listed at the end of this article. My favorite question to ask is, “What was your favorite thing that happened today?” This makes them stop and think about the good moments in their day. 

2. Choose the right time. If you know your child is usually grumpy after school, don’t attempt a conversation at this time. Think of the time of day where your teen seems most alert and talkative. This is probably when you should attempt to talk to them.  Many parents like to talk while driving in their car because it’s something you do everyday and it’s a guarenteed chunk of time where there are limited distractions. 

3. Small talk is good talk. Don’t try to engage your teen in serious conversations everyday. Try to keep your questions light and fun most days. Of course, there are times when talking needs to take a more serious tone. However, use most days as an opportunity to make a positive connection with your teen. 

4. Try to keep it positive. Asking your child, “What was good about your day?” instead of “What wasn’t good about today?” will yield a far different conversation. Keeping your talk positive will help your teen reflect on positive moments in their day encourages them to think about the good instead of the bad. Positive thinking is associated with increased happiness and overall wellbeing. Of course, you will have to discuss negative things sometimes; however, if there aren’t any issues at hand, try to keep questions more positive.

5. Don’t make direct eye contact. Most people learn that eye contact is important for good communication and normally it is. But teenagers may feel more comfortable talking about difficult things if they don’t have to make direct eye contact. Driving in the car is good for this since you will have to keep your eyes on the road. Or, you can choose an activity to do while talking, like doing a puzzle or making dinner. If their hands are busy and they don’t have to make direct eye contact with you, they might feel more comfortable opening up.

6. Be quiet and nonjudgmental. Parents are often eager to put in their two cents and say something to try to help. This isn’t always what teens need. Sure, they do need your guidance. But they also need to learn how to problem solve on their own because you won’t always be around to help them. Plus, teens typically know the advice you are going to give them and many times they are not seeking it.  Instead, teens often just want to be heard without all the advice and lecturing. When your teen is talking, reflect their words back to them and nod you head and most importantly, listen. If they are having a hard time with something, voice a statement of support such as “I’m sorry to hear this, it must be really hard for you.” If you feel the need to give them advice, simply say,  “I am here to listen and offer advice if you need it.”   If they really want your advice, they will seek it.  If they want your advice, start by asking, “What do you think the best thing to do is?” A lot of times, your teen will already know the best course of action. If they feel like it’s their idea, this will give them confidence because it seems they are deciding what to do on their own. If they respond that they don’t know what to do,  walk them through listing the pros and cons of each course of action. Try to guide them to solve the problem on their own instead of solving it for them. 

7. Validate. A lot of teenagers just want to be heard.  They just want to share their feelings with someone and hear that what they are going through is hard. You may not consider it difficult, but you also have years of expereince on them. If you think back to your teenage years, you probably thought what they were going through was difficult too. It’s important to still validate their feelings even if you don’t understand where they are coming from. Validating your teen means acknowledging their feelings without necessarily agreeing with them.  This builds trust and helps them to feel emotionally safe in talking with you. If you remember to validate your teen’s feelings instead of lecturing them,  it will increase the likelihood that they will talk to you in the future.