Yesterday, I found out that a local boy lost his father to cancer. This boy is an acquaintance of my children and I hardly know this family, but I felt such a strong feeling of sadness in hearing this news. With Christmas a week away, I thought about how difficult this time would be for them. How does one balance the holiday traditions while grieving the death of a loved one? How does a parent who is grieving themselves keep the holiday spirit going for their children? I know they are not the only family experiencing grief over the holidays, so I thought it would be good to share some tips for those who may be in a similar situation.
1. It’s okay to have a different holiday experience this year, especially if the loss is fresh. Don’t feel bad about skipping out on holiday events. If it’s too hard to be around a lot of people, yet you still want to do something to celebrate, make your circle smaller. Do something among yourselves or with only a few close family members and friends. As a family, sit down and talk about what you do and don’t want to do this year. Everyone will understand if you would like a quiet holiday experience this year. Having a plan will give you a sense of control when everything may seem so uncertain.
2. Remember that ALL feelings are okay. Some kids may feel guilty for getting excited about opening a gift or watching a funny holiday movie. It’s important to remind your children, that it’s okay to feel some joy even in the midst of such a sad situation. Also, don’t hide your grief and encourage your children to show their emotions. As they see you grieve, they will understand that it is okay and normal to express their sorrow for the loss. Instead of hiding it, they will be more likely to seek your help when they themselves are having a tough time.
3. Create a safe space for conversation. Kids might be afraid that talking about their loved one will upset others and so they keep it in. Help them out by assuring them that it’s okay to express how they are feeling. Even if talking about the death is difficult for you, it will help you and your child through the grieving process. Each day try to set aside a moment to talk about the loved one who died. An easy one to start with is having everyone tell their favorite gift they received from the person or the favorite gift they gave to them. The next day you can ask everyone to share a happy holiday memory that includes their loved one. Continue to talk openly about your loved one each day and this will help to keep their memory alive.
4. Find ways to incorporate the person you lost into your holidays. The holidays are particularly hard for those who are grieving because they feel the absence of their loved one when taking part in traditions they once shared with that person. Try to feel their presence by including them in your holiday activities. Honor their memory by making their favorite foods on Christmas Day, watching their favorite Christmas movie or listening to their favorite holiday songs. Doing things that they used to enjoy doing with the family, helps to fill the space where you feel their absence.
5. Create new traditions. Think of something you can do as a family that will allow you to honor your loved one in a new and meaningful way. Maybe you can go to their favorite restaurant and take turns sharing happy memories over your meal. You could also light a candle when you are gathering together to symbolize them still being present with you. If they enjoyed a special hobby or activity like bowling or singling karaoke, plan an outing to do that together as a family. Doing something new together can strengthen the bond among family members while providing hope that love and joy can still exist even after a profound loss.
6. Take care of yourself. Helping others through their grief can be emotionally draining, especially if you’re grieving too. Taking care of yourself is essential because you can’t pour from an empty cup. Everyday try to do something for yourself like calling a friend to talk, going on a walk or spending time doing a favorite hobby. Also, if you have younger children, ask a friend or family member to come over and watch them so you can have a break. Prioritizing your wellbeing will not only help you to feel better, but your children will benefit by seeing you take care of yourself.
7. Finally, be mindful of signs that professional help is needed. If you or a loved one has extreme changes in eating or sleeping habits, is neglecting self-care, not able to work or complete daily tasks, experiencing intense anger, abusing substances or having suicidal thoughts, it is important to seek professional help immediately. Getting professional help is nothing to be ashamed of, everybody needs a little help sometimes.
By taking these steps, we hope you can begin to transform your grief into meaningful remembrance and find peace in the lasting bonds of your family.
